I am so excited to share the very first #MyBodyStory with you all!

#MyBodyStory is a weekly series of reader submitted pieces about what it’s like to live in your body.

If you have a story to share, please email : [email protected]

And now, without further ado,

Here is Katy’s story.

Why do we compliment others by saying, “You look great, did you lose weight?”

Why can’t we see that a smile doesn’t equal happiness…skinny doesn’t equal happiness. Sometimes a smile is a mask. Sometimes skinny is a cry for help.

For me, I don’t lose weight unless I’m unhappy. So this “compliment” always strikes me as a clear indication that a person doesn’t know me well enough to see that I’m drowning. That I’m struggling.

In 2006ish, I found out that my boyfriend of 3.5 years had been cheating on me with multiple women for over 3 years of our relationship. I moved out of our home and into my parent’s home. I lost 30 pounds and my legs no longer touched. I was 123 pounds.

People would see me and say, “You look amazing! You look happy! You must be over your ex!”

But inside, I was struggling.

I wouldn’t eat but maybe one meal a day. My mind was just so full from all my emotions I was feeling that I would forget to eat.

Eventually, I got into a new abusive relationship that kept me in a circle of depression for another 3 years. At some point, I started to have passive suicidal thoughts.

My weight directly reflected the ups and downs of the relationship.

Up, down, skinny, chubby, fit, not fit…

I was all over the place.

Until one of my dearest friends finally noticed the cycle and said, “If you don’t go to the doctor, I will call 9-1–1.”

After that, my weight stopped fluctuating. And I have now been in therapy almost longer than those two relationships combined. In therapy, I focus on repetitive relationship patterns, and have learned to be completely open and honest about my pain.

And I’m now the heaviest I have ever been.

I still have a lot of work to do. I’m currently going through a breakup and I have a hard time seeing photos of myself and not thinking that I look malnourished and ugly.

But I post the photos anyways. I gotta love myself – in all of my mess – no matter what.

If the alternative to loving myself is to NOT love myself and hurt my body, I know that’s not what I want.

I want to keep up the fight and find my light again.

My personal style is Trendy Throw Back Vintage. I lean towards wearing brighter colors when I’m feeling down, because I know that when I look at myself in the mirror, the colors will make me smile no matter how I’m feeling inside.

Wearing clothes that lift my spirits is one small way I can turn my day around.

LATER DUDES,

XX-KATY

Follow Katy:

Instagram / Etsy

If you have a story to share, please email : [email protected]