#MyBodyStory is a series of reader submitted pieces about what it’s like to live in your body. Because every body has a story, and every story deserves to be heard.

Do you have a #MyBodyStory to share? Send it to [email protected]

And now, here is Nicole’s Body Story:

The opinions expressed in #MyBodyStory are the writer’s own.

My story begins where everyone else’s does — at birth I suppose. And like many other children, I had some insecurities growing up. But at 10 years old my world came crashing down around me when I was diagnosed with Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. A few years ago my condition worsened very quickly, and today I am telling MyBodyStory in the form of poetry. It was the most honest way I could truly share myself.

Diseased

This is raw, this is real

This is the real deal

From beginning to end

There is no pretend

From the kick in the shin

To My healing within

And so, it begins…

Ive told my story a million times before,

The closer I’ve come to healing, the more difficult my heart to pour.

Remix, Rewind. Master Healer and Goddess of deep soul and restoration

Beloved Isis guide me with loving truth through this revelation.

Imagine for a moment it was all a lie

If we were programmed to believe in the battlecry

The matrix stifles self and warps reality

In exchange we are fed negativity and constant toxicity.

Free thinking is a crime, just as much as spitting this rhyme.

But what if, for a moment,   IT was all for control.

Lead down the wormhole, tumultuous storm wrapped up in the chaos of a dustbowl.

I’d lost all hope to heal mind body and soul

Society really fucks with your head

Only left with western medicine I was completely mislead

Put on a brave face. Face the pain.

My body is tired. So is my brain.

Society tells me that sick is weak.

I felt like a burden, so I hide and go seek.

With my broken body I felt betrayed.

Filled with shame I grew afraid.

Fear manifested magnifying disease.

My body had been taken hostage, and in order to appease

Those around me I sank deeper into guilt, shame, and displease.

Im safe and warm, No Fear, No Death, No Hate, No Hurt,

Her naked Vessel, breast bare no shirt.

Her hand etched the bandage that covered the tube where lifelines protrude.

Its hard not to detach from machines that are so crude.

I long for freedom of flight, like a crane.

Riding a stallion hands holding on the mane.

My body was fighting

But my mind kept reminding

me of all the times I had been abandoned.

But body, it’s not your fault, I love you so

From the crown of your head down to your toes.

With deep breath kundalini white rise up

Lost with emotion water runneth over my cup.

I released my guilt and Goddess stood reborn.

I danced jubilantly to music inside my head to the beat of my own drum.

Tick Tock

Sound off – one -two.

Turn down the lights, drown out the sound, fade to black, surrender in the darkness. 

Escape from the pain wandering into mindless seduction. 

It is too much to live in a world dictated by pain, devoid of purpose. 

Tick tock, tick tock of the ever beating clock,  

Another moment past, another hour gone, and another day just escaped

Singing pumps tangled tubes and another dose of medicine

Tick Tock, Tick Tock of the ever beating clock. The pulsing heartbeat keeping time.

Grit your teeth, relax, and manage through. 

Stuck stagnant in time as life passes bye.

Another moment past, another hour gone, and another day just escaped

Tick tock, Tick Tock of the ever beating clock,

How many mind numbing moments past, pretending, drowning out, living in grey?

Tick tock, tick tock of the ever beating clock, rhythmically reminding me the pace of the world.

My engine is on and revving, if just barely.

Chug, chug, the train is climbing, and ascending through life’s daily tasks 

Arrows shoot, up around, and away, angling for success. 

Plants begin to sprout up admits a sea of green, darting for the clouds.

Tick Tock, Tick Tock of the ever beating clock, 

Ho hum and a drum and a rat a pat pat, the steady pace proceeds on

Today there is sun instead of darkness and I will beat alongside the pain. 

Sunrise, skies bright, trees tall, mother nature is alive. 

I am alive.

Vessel

It was never okay

Be still my soul

His hands imprinted on my body

Be still my soul

Words Poisoned with sexualization

Be still my soul

He forcefully had his way 

Be still my soul

Stop the cycle, no more

Be sill

You are not alone

My Soul

My hands traced my breast, a place for natures milk

I Tussled my hair, leaves sprouting from my head

My hands traced my stomach for fuel and divine womb

Fingertips grazed sacral chakra of purity returned

And down root legs for grounding stability

Fly free soul, your power restored

Minds Eye

Perfection is engrained deep in the mind

Far in the soul

Turn the corner hard right, let it go

Embedded under the skin buried like a tick

Try to manifest freedom and creation 

But thoughts of fear and failure tryin’ to creep in

Am I wrong? Is that right?

Cant write if I always have to be right.

The words are like sludge, mud, stuck in the thick

Big breath, gulp, let it go it’ll be all right

Anxiety clings clings clings

Clinging to contrived ideas of idealized society

What about in all actuality?

Is this all supposed to happen to me?

Throw the worry up in the sky, saying

“Please, Please mother let it go my way

Bring ease to the struggles of my day”

The universe whispers, “You are the creator Heal Divine Masculine – OSIRIS, the Protector”

Find the yin, heal the Yang restore the balance of my soul

All I want is to be healthy and whole

Can you see it? Do you feel it?

The push and the pull?

A discord, A dissonance drafting mind body, and soul 

Destroying Free will, Free thinkers, Free imitators

We are seeds force fed pollutants

Politics are polinators

Children sprout from contaminated soil

Wars burn bright for treasured oil 

Oh Lord, help me find the hope in all these atrocities

The clouds parted with glowing luminosity

I looked to the sky with nothing but devotion

Hands at my heart, heart open wide filled with emotion

Mother nature, our source, the powers that be

Is this what you meant for our destiny?

With unconditional love, she guided me to surrender the burdens of my History

To go with trust and relinquish uncertainty

Allow that this is the guided trajectory

I lifted my veil, letting go of the ego

Vanquished old masks, devoid of tuxedos

No liquid courage no martini for this masquerade charade 

Waltz under the moonlight howl to the moon 

With a fire inside fall in love with natures sudden swoon

Reclaim the self in this upside down world

Hangman in my head, swirled and furled

Lost in thought stumbling to find solace in the present

As above, so below, new moon full moon and crescent

A cosmic glow, clouds spiraled among the moon in radiance

violet expelled symbolizing devotion and intuition of shimmering iridescence

The Fibonacci Sequence the halo of in a perfect golden ratio

Reminded me of the arpeggio

Of my life; the ups and downs all in proportion

Its time to let go of all the misfortune

Create the happiness. write this story

I feel in alignment, a glow of white light in all its glory

Staring at my feet

That have turned purple and red as a beet

Darkest of days pain louder than thunder

Feet how I’ve hated you, you’ve curled, and turned under

Tripper over

Staring at my feet

That have carried me through weeks

Months and years on this journey

wheelchair, bed and hospital gurney

Step by step 

And begin to walk through life anew

Wild Heart

Hey Sweet girl, my beautiful stargazer

This world isn’t as it seems

Its even bigger than your dreams

Sweet girl my beautiful stargazer

Head in the clouds, mystical, magical, marvelous girl

Get lost in the clouds girl

Divine sun child girl

Create your own magick with pen and sword 

You’re an alchemist of sorts,  story unwritten

No lines on the page, no page to fill – just a blank space 

With an odyssey unexplored

Ride the wind like a wave 

See as far as the eye can see

Touch the textured land beneath me

Taste fruit of all the trees

Smell the dew of the dawn

Hear natures song

Hey sweet girl, my beautiful stargazer 

Wild at heart wizard untamable girl

Travel the world and follow the stars

Intuition as your guide, a compass by your side

To the East, to the West

Stamps on postcards past

To the north to the south

Free flowing love of the Nile

On a Long journey no place to go 

Enjoy the ride

Sweet girl my beautiful stargazer

Have no fear, nothing to loose

Your destined to explore

Spirit Guide

The thin dark purple scalloped lace

Etched out the shadows of her face

Her blue eyes hauntingly glowed beneath

Mystical and magical, she moved with a rose between her teeth

As a gift she left her Rose.

But what does it mean do you suppose?

With the new Moon she brought Great change.

Incredible Healing and Happenings all so strange.

She stirred her cauldron and witches brew.

In the direction of least resistance, too.

A simple cup of potion

And it was all set in motion

Cracked down the middle, she gazed in the mirror

She saw her face, veil never clearer

She looked at herself and saw her reflection

It had merely been a projection

Mystic and magical she transcended at midnight

She was an embodiment of silvery flickering light

When the wind blows

You can hear her whispers as the city slows.

She is the heart of purest intentions. 

She is a manifestation of all dimensions.

An alchemist of earth wind and fire.

All vibrations echoed in song of hire

Vibrations. 

With love,

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